mid-week weekly update | vol 3
everything i have been upto
this is such a weird time to do a weekly update, right in the middle of the week. but i guess when something sits in my head long enough, it needs to be written down. putting it here makes it real, makes me accountable. i don’t know why, but i feel like ideas slip away too easily if i don’t pin them down somewhere.
so here it is. the yap. after two whole months of silence.
i told myself this would be a weekly ritual. something grounding. like watering a plant or lighting a candle. but clearly i abandoned that plan the way i abandon most things: gently, unintentionally, with full belief that i’d return soon. i didn’t. now the guilt has crusted over, and i don’t know where to begin so maybe i’ll just start with the loudest thing.
i finished university.
last month, actually. the kind of milestone that should’ve felt thunderous like a door closing, or maybe opening but instead, it felt quiet. anticlimactic. the results aren’t out yet, so technically i’m still hanging in limbo. i know i’ll pass. that’s not the concern. the concern is how unreal it all feels. like i’m floating above the end credits of a movie i wasn’t ready to stop watching.
we threw one last big party. all of us together for maybe the last time. there was music and hugs and tears and drama. people hugging too tight or not at all. someone stormed out. someone cried in the bathroom. someone kissed someone they shouldn't have. it felt holy. like grief dressed up as celebration.
and then the hangover hit: not the alcohol kind, but the kind that stays long after the music fades. the kind where you pack up your room and your life and drive back home with your entire personality stuffed into duffel bags. and now here i am, back in my old room, sleeping under a ceiling fan that sounds exactly the same as it did when i was fifteen. except now, i’ve lived an entire lifetime in four years. fallen in love. failed classes. grown into someone i liked. and suddenly i’m expected to go back to being the version of me that used to ask for permission to go downstairs after 9pm.
it’s disorienting. like i travelled time, but backwards.
and in the middle of that emotional soup, something else happened. one of my pieces blew up. you’ve probably read it. it’s why most of you are here. i’m still not sure how to feel about it. for the longest time i craved validation. i told myself that if enough people liked my work, i’d feel better. more secure. more sure. and then it happened: likes, shares, DMs from strangers saying kind things and suddenly i was terrified. what if the next thing i write doesn’t live up to it? what if they all leave? what if i’ve already peaked and i’m just spiraling now?
and just three days ago, it happened again. a tweet i posted got picked up by some meme pages. turned into reels. reposted by strangers. suddenly i had this boom of followers. the old me would’ve been ecstatic. finally, some form of recognition. a small internet voice. but instead, i panicked. what if my family sees it? what if someone from school does? what if i’m seen too much? it’s funny how visibility was once the dream, and now it’s the thing i’m hiding from. maybe fame was never the fantasy maybe freedom was.
but i didn’t stop creating. i couldn’t. i picked up a camera: well, borrowed one. my brother’s old go pro. i wanted to buy my own, but i’m in that weird space where i have a job offer but no actual income yet. august is when it starts. the real job. big city. big firm. big pay (for a fresher, at least). everyone around me is proud.
i’m proud too somewhere deep beneath the nerves and spreadsheets.
but the logistics? terrifying. budgeting for the first time. figuring out rent, furniture, groceries, wi-fi, water filters, cutlery. googling things like “how many watts does a fridge use” and “what does semi-furnished actually mean.” every broker i’ve spoken to so far feels a little too slick, a little too eager. i don’t think i can finalise anything from here which means i’ll probably need to take a solo trip to hyderabad just to house-hunt. maybe book a hotel. maybe cry in it. the adulting feels endless. like a long list i wasn’t prepared to write, let alone cross off.
but the camera? that’s something i do want to do. i want to vlog. i don’t know about what yet. just... life, i guess. where i walk, what i eat, what books i carry in my tote bag. i want to record the in-betweens. the silence before laughter. the messy closets. the rain on windows. maybe it’s not about being seen. maybe it’s about seeing. about remembering. maybe i just want to become the girl who captures everything for no reason other than it makes her feel more alive.
and somewhere between all this, my boyfriend and i are building an app. i know, random. but not really. we’ve been working quietly on it, researching, designing, sending out google forms for market research. we’ve spoken to a few founders, asked questions like “how do you start?” and “how do you not mess it all up?” we’re just two computer science students. no business background. no MBAs. just an idea and the foolish courage to follow it.
if you’re someone who’s built something in the fintech space(especially from scratch),please reach out. we’d love to learn from you.
and while all this has been happening, the weather has turned strange. bangalore, in june, is supposed to be warm. sticky. unforgiving. instead, it’s been raining every evening. mist and grey clouds and the kind of breeze that makes you want to stay in bed longer than you should. all our winter clothes are out again. i think i’m catching a cold. probably from the smoothie bowls. frozen fruit is romantic until it ruins your throat. but they’re just so pretty. and i keep eating them like i don’t know better.
anyway, this is me now.
post-university. pre-job. mid-transition.
somewhere between relief and restlessness.
thank you for reading this far.
i don’t know what next week holds.
but if it’s interesting, or confusing, or a little tender
i’ll write about it.
just to remember that i was here.
and i was trying.
really, truly, trying.
This was beautiful!!!
SHE’S BACK